I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Randomize
