I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
