You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow