Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
