I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
