oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
