wat bout pragnant strippers??
Define "chronic" masturbator.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
