It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
