Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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