just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
