i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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