Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just found a bag of teeth...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Sext me about skeletons
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
