I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
