In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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