I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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