I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
