I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Randomize
