GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
