4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Randomize
