WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
