When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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