Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
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It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
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I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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