youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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