I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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