I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
