Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
