Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Randomize
