it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
