I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
