I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
