I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
