it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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