new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
