I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
