wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
