i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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