I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
