I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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