tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
