I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
