Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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