Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
