At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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