My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize