Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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