Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
