I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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