Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Randomize
