is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
