Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
