Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
