At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
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These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
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Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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