My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
