DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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