She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
