Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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