i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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